Is this thing on?
Apparently not for several months!
I’m feeling wordy this morning and wanted to download a bit of it here. Not lengthy, mind you…wordy.
So here goes…
Lately I’ve been living in a watchful place. I’m mindful that what greatly impacts others is being present, listening and praying. Love languages aside, EVERYBODY wants to be truly understood. And that means time. Time to glean from being present together. Time to listen and ingest (hear) what is spoken. Time to pray and ask the Lord for guidance, understanding, peace and help in each relationship.
It’s been long in coming, but I’m saying less and listening more these days. My elementary school teachers would be so proud–it only took 40 years!
My Dad is in his last days, as I write this–hospice is being called in soon. My family has gone back and forth these past two years to help in any way we can. We have counseled and cared for Mom with whatever each day is bringing–tried to make her laugh or bring her joy in some way. We have sat long with Dad, prayed over him and listened to him, so we could glean from what he says and respond rightly or help him, as well. It’s been a long, arduous process. And I don’t know what else to do, but be present for it (show up)…and to pray.
For me, it is something I process alone with the Lord as I swim every day. I process what was and what wasn’t. I process what is right now and how can I hand out what Dad and Mom need, as well as how can I pray for them in and through this. It leaves me feeling peaceful and present with those who surround me daily. I try to communicate the why behind my what. If I’m quiet, then I may say to them, “It’s okay and I’m okay, I’m feeling sad today.” If I’m lonely, I plan gatherings. If I’m angsty, I clean. The house is cleaner than it’s been since we moved here. So I guess…and you can guess….yeah, I have felt that, too.
In practical ways, though, it has challenged me to ask myself the harder questions. If this was my turn, have I spoken the words I need to speak? Have I lived out the calling on my life well? Am I satisfied with the way I would leave things? And my answers for all three are quite honestly yes. I truly feel that I have said and done (to this point) all that I need to. Even so, I have no idea the number of my days. All I know is that God is still bringing things for me to do and people for me to love. And with His help, I’m doing both.
So why break silence here and write today? Well, I’m thinking perhaps you need to ask yourself the same questions. I’m thinking perhaps you have walked through grief or are about to. I’m thinking that shared life is LIFE LIVED WELL. So I’m sharing with you where I am right now.
I’m watchful. I’m joyful. I’m THANKFUL.
For as I see the dragonfly that visits me daily at the pool or the geese that fly over as summer comes to an end (and I am reminded of their yearly trek) or as I see my youngest giggle as she is asked what her favorite candy is…and I see the delight in her eyes over someone’s thoughtfulness or as I hear my Chris talk with a gleam in his eye about what a student said to him that day…it is all life to the full! It is beautiful life. And I want nothing more than to be as the butterfly I watched yesterday, sucking out all the sweetness I can and finding joy in the last remnants of what I can.
It is hearing I love you this past weekend (for the last time perhaps) from my Dad…and knowing he means it.
It is enough life to satisfy my simple soul.
And I thank God for it, every bit of it.
This is from the hospital in April 2022. He’s at home now with Mom and nurses are coming in to help.
Oh Holly, I feel so much of what you have written, of what you are experiencing, because I’ve been there since April. My father passed away suddenly on April 2nd, however we knew this was coming because of his health but still, it was so unexpected that morning. Then during his funeral, my brother was diagnosed with cancer and we lost him on July 20th. I have similar pictures of me, sitting with him during his hospice care. He wasn’t married, so I was a big part of his caregiving team. It’s such a hard journey to walk and yet, there was peace as we read Scriptures and talked of Heaven and said our final goodbyes. The hardest part now is adjusting to life without them. I am praying for you during this journey of your own. Please reach out if you just need to talk.